She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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