a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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