his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
