I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
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