i already hear my dad disowning me
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
my sisters under your porch take her home
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
