The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
we made out on top of his cat.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
