I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
