We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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