I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
