I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
