You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
