I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
