Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
