I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
