the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
