i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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