oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
