Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
