just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. đ
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes âI drove you last nightâ\nâYou got your dick sucked in the back seatâ
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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