GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
