I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
