Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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