nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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