i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just want to make out with him forever
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
