I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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