I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
