She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
