You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
