I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
now i know why i became what i already was.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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