i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
