Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
the gays at disneyland are vicious
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
