so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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