I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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