You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
