If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
