she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
