We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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