You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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