tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
