i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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