You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She bit a glass in half.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
