i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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