My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
