he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
