it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
it glows. i had to have it.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
