What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
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