the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
