Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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