I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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