i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
God gave him joint rollers for hands
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
